Akatsuki and the Charity Event
by AkiraDawn
Summary: Akatsuki is participating in the annual charity event! Everyone is surely excited about donating to a good cause right? Nothing could go wrong and I'm sure all the donations are excellent....well, we'll see. R&R! Enjoy! Rated M for language.
1. Charitable Donations

Akatsuki and the Charity Event

My First Akatsuki fic in a while! Hope you enjoy it! IF you've never read one of my Akatsuki stories before I suggest you read a few so you can be properly introduced to Lola, Dana and Marisol! If you already know them…then you already know what to expect!

I do not own Naruto and I don't profit from putting them through hell.

The day had arrived, the day that Kisame knew Kakuzu would hate more than any other day ever in life…the day that the leader made everyone participate in the silent auction charity event to benefit ugly pets. It wasn't that Kakuzu didn't want to help ugly pets…it was that he hated to see money disappear and he hated the thought of donating something to the auction that he had actually PAID for! So this morning, Kakuzu had the perfect solution to deal with the impending charity auction….he would steal all the Styrofoam cups in the house he could find.

"Good morning Kakuzu." A yawning Lola said to him as she shoved him out of the way to get to the coffee pot. She didn't even notice him hording the cups…which was unusual; Lola always noticed antics like this one.

"Oh…uh….hi Lola….don't mind me…I'm just…looking for….stamps…yes that's it…stamps!" Kakuzu said completely unconvincingly.

"Okay, sure whatever." Lola answered him completely uninterested in whatever he was doing. The house was so quiet that morning with the exception of Kakuzu shoving cups down his pants. Well, all was quiet momentarily….

"OH MY GOD, YEAH! I HAVE A PROBLEM!" Deidara came shrieking out of his bedroom. Lola closed her eyes and gritted her teeth.

"OH MY GOD! IS ANYONE EVEN LISTENING, YEAH!?" She knew Deidara would probably start crying any minute so Lola felt obligated to answer.

"Deidara, it's 9:00 in the morning what could possibly be wrong?" Lola asked. Kakuzu had slipped out of the kitchen and was now headed for the garage…there just HAD to be cups there.

"Okay, okay…yeah…I think…Princess just coughed up a hairball and I don't know what to do! Oh my god, is she going to die, yeah!?" Deidara asked rushing down the stairs. "Oh Lola, you really should put something nice on in the morning, yeah. I mean that outfit is just sad. It doesn't even match, yeah." Deidara said obviously forgetting about the tragedy at hand.

"I thought you were worried about your damn cat dying?" Lola asked him coldly.

"Oh! That's right, yeah! Is Princess going to die Lola!? Itachi thinks she might. I am not going to be the one to tell my precious Marisol that our cat is dead.

"Oh my god! Deidara! The cat just spit that thing up on my Michael Kors jeans! Get the hell up here and clean it up!" Itachi yelled out the door. Thank god Kisame had just come out of his room.

"Kisame! You HAVE to help me, yeah! Lola is dressed badly and she doesn't know what to do. Princess coughed up a hairball, yeah! How can I save her! She doesn't have long, yeah!!" Deidara had reached complete panic mode. Kisame blinked a couple times and looked at Deidara.

"For real Deidara, how can you be so fucking stupid? Your dumb cat is not going to die. She just coughed up hair…now go clean it up so Itachi will shut up and life will return to normal." Kisame said shoving him aside to move down the stairs and join Lola.

"Oh my god! Marisol! Itachi! Dana, yeah! Princess isn't going to die!" Deidara yelled rushing back into the bedroom.

"Hey Lola, so what are you donating to the silent auction today?" Kisame asked her.

"I was thinking my laptop. I need a new one anyway, and there's nothing wrong with the one I have. Sasori thought it would be a good idea. "Lola said.

"I'm going to donate my entire collection of fly fishing equipment." Kisame told her.

"Oh that's good, especially since you went through that self help course on why fishing will not get you in touch with your half-shark roots." Lola told him.

"You are so right."

"Hey, hey Lola! You will never believe what I found in our closet!" Sasori said very excited.

"Oh my god…did you find…" Look took a deep breath. "Your dinosaur trading cards?" Lola asked.

"YES! YES! That's exactly what I found!" Sasori was so excitedly. "I brought you the brontosaurus!" Sasori said giving it to Lola.

"Oooh, the brontosaurus! That's like…my favorite dinosaur EVER!"

"Yeah, I think I'm going to donate these for the auction." Sasori said.

"Nooo! No honey, you can't do that! You've had these since you were 10!" Lola said shoving a cup of coffee in front of him.

"Well, you are right. My grandma hated these cards…she always said dinosaurs were the devil's minions and that I would have to be purified of my evils if I collected them…shit I have over 100 of these!" Sasori giggled.

"Yeah, but your grandma also said Lola was the antichrist…keep the cards Sasori." Kisame encouraged him.

"Alright…I need to go look for something else to take to the auction." Sasori said going back upstairs to continue his search for something to donate.

"Zetsu? What happened man?" Kisame said seeing Zetsu coming in from outside.

"Stupid….neighborhood kids!" Zetsu said. "The kids down the street thought it would be funny to stuff me in a giant pot! Now I'm covered in dirt and they threw dandelions all over me…which I'm allergic too! Now I have to take my stupid allergy medicine!" Zetsu ranted.

"That's it! I've had it with those stupid kids! They are loud! They leave crap in the street! They threw a fish at me the other day!" Kisame said. "I'm going to tell the leader to eliminate those families if you know what I mean!" Kisame said to Zetsu.

"Do it! Do it Kisame!" Zetsu said running off to the shower. The phone rang and Kisame was closest.

"Hello? Hey Pein. Yeah sure you can come here first, okay. Yeah. Okay. Wait…you're donating 1986 camaro? Pein….where did you get…you know what never mind yes we'll follow you." Kisame hung up the phone.

"Well hello Kisame. Lola…beautiful…as usual, seriously. I have found the perfect Jaashin item to donate for the auction! A marble statue of the great Jaashin himself! It's a little big though…probably eight feet tall…seriously, is that bad?" Hidan wondered.

"Off the top of my head I have no clue how we're going to get it there, but someone will probably be all up in to Jasshin's world." Kisame said. All would have been fine had something not come crashing down the stairs. On further inspection, it was discovered that Tobi had come crashing down the stairs with an entire box full of building blocks…now there were blocks all over the place and Tobi in the middle of them.

"Okay, Tobi what's with the blocks? Please tell me that's not what you are donating to the auction?" Kisame asked.

"Of course it is! I'm good right? I'm a good boy? I picked the perfect thing!" Tobi was so happy. Kisame didn't have the heart to tell him it was completely ridiculous so he just let him pick up the blocks and feel like he had made a great contribution.


	2. Pein's 1986 Camaro

"No! No! No Deidara! Go to hell! I am so NOT putting those up for auction!" Itachi yelled at Deidara.

"But Itachi! No one likes Ed Hardy anymore since his stuff got suddenly tacky because of that TLC show, yeah! Itachi those jeans are horrible, yeah. Now give them to me, some loser person will definitely buy these, yeah." Deidara said taking the awful Ed Hardy jeans from him.

"No! Nooooooo! Give those back damn it!" Itachi screamed at him again.

"Itachi! These jeans are gay! I can't let you do this, yeah! It's fashion suicide!" Deidara said trying to keep the jeans away from him for the charity.

"Oh! I will show you gay! GIVE THOSE BACK NOW!" Itachi now had Deidara in the floor trying to pin him down and get the jeans back. Naturally, Deidara's screaming brought Dana and Marisol to the scene. All would have been okay had Itachi not had a huge chunk of blonde hair in his hand ready to pull it out of Deidara's head.

"Oh my god! Itachi are those the Ed Hardy jeans you bought a while ago, yeah?" Dana asked.

"Yes! Now make his sorry ass give these back to me! I'm not donating these!" Itachi ranted.

"Itachi those jeans are ugly and tacky get rid of them. Remember, I told you not to buy them to begin with, yeah." Dana said. It was as if those were the magic words. Itachi got off of Deidara shook his hair out and pleasantly agreed to get rid of the horrible Ed Hardy jeans.

"Okay, what donations do we have so far to give to the ugly pets?" Sasori asked Lola who was making a list.

"My laptop, Kisame's fly fishing gear, Tobi's building blocks, Hidan's 8 foot tall marble statue of Jaashin, Zetsu's 1990 Minnesota Vikings Super Bowl ring which I have no clue why he owns, and that's all so far." Lola said.

"You know, I can't find anything to donate so I'm just going to write them a check." Sasori said.

"That works too." Lola told him.

"Hey Seriously Kakuzu, Lola needs to know what you are donating to the auction." Hidan told him.

"Ah yes, my donation. Here you go…" Kakuzu spilt at least 500 Styrofoam cups into the floor.

"Cups…I'm donating cups." He said.

"For the love of Jaashin Kakuzu! This is the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen! No one wants this!" Hidan snapped at him.

"Oh, like anyone wants a freaking statue of Jaashin!? And hell, it's made of marble you can't even carry it!" Kakuzu argued.

"Just shut up dumb ass! You don't understand Jaashin and its divinity, seriously!" Hidan yelled.

"Oh yeah!? Well you don't understand cups!" Kakuzu gave his very weak comeback.

"Alright, both of you shut the hell up and go tell the blonde bombs they need to haul ass down here. We need to leave for the charity soon." Lola said. Kakuzu did as Lola instructed him.

"Okay, Lola check this out! For the ugly pets I have…my Fendi purse and I also have these Manolo's that I haven't worn in a long time, yeah!" Dana said happily.

"Oh! And I have these gift certificates to my salon! I have 4 $50 certificates!" Marisol was so thrilled with her donation."

"Perfect! These will be great for the auction." Lola said.

"I wish every pet could be as pretty as Princess. Don't we Princess? Don't we?" Marisol said scooping Princess off the ground who immediately purred all over Dana.

"Marisol, just move Princess away from me…remember she makes me sneeze like nothing else in the world." Lola said feeling her eyes starting to itch. "Hey, what's Deidara giving, come on! We have got to be ready to go when Pein and Konan get here!" Lola encouraged everyone to hurry the hell up.

"Lola, you really need to be patient, yeah. I'm trying to make the best choice to give to the ugly pets, yeah!" Deidara said.

"Deidara, you've been trying to decide all morning for god's sake just pick that bottle of cologne you haven't opened yet!" Itachi told him irritated that Deidara was talking so long.

"Well, I could pick that but I've also got this rhinestone pet collar that me and Marisol made, yeah. That would be goof to make ugly pets less ugly. Oh and there's this! It's my cashmere throw that I keep on our bed, yeah. This is a nice color. Someone would so bid on this, yeah." Deidara said. Sasori rolled his eyes.

"Great, yes. Okay, let's get outside. Everyone loves cashmere throws." Sasori scooped up the blanket and shoved Deidara toward the door.

"But wait! I haven't decided, yeah!" Deidara whined.

"You're done." Kisame told him.

"Shit, where's Tobi? Zetsu asked. But he answered himself when he caught sight of Tobi outside by the pool throwing all the pool floats in the pool. "God, that stupid Tobi is going to get in the pool if I don't go out there! Go ahead out and wait for Pein and Konan. I'm going to go scold Tobi." Zetsu shook his head and hurried out to the pool before it was too late.

As if with perfect timing, Pein and Konan arrived when expected. Sasori gasped and squeezed Lola's arm.

"Oh….my…god…Lola…are you seeing this?" Sasori was breathless. Lola gasped. Pein got out of the car followed by Konan.

"Pein…you have a 1986 camaro…" Sasori said completely awestruck.

"Yes, yes I do. I thought this would be great for the ugly pet silent auction." Pein said. Sasori and Lola walked over to their car.

"Pein? Why the hell would you give this car to the ugly pets? Every guy between 17 and 21 got laid in this car in 1986!" Sasori said.

"I know, I know. I'm probably going to regret it. I mean god, I took Konan's virginity in this car." Pein said.

"See!" Sasori said.

"Ooooooh you still have a Duran Duran tape in here!" Lola noticed.

"Ew, that is so ugly, yeah." Dana told Marisol.

"I know! Who would ever want some stupid car like that?" Marisol said.

"Well, hey I mean if you want to donate it to the silent auction that's your choice. So, do you want me and Sasori to follow you?" Lola asked.

"Yeah, if you don't care." Pein said.

"Alright, just let us load the crap and we'll be ready to go."

"But Zetsu! I didn't mean to put all the inflatables in the pool! I was just trying to be a good boy!" Tobi said.

"That's not being good Tobi, now come on we need to go and what did I tell you about the silent ugly pet auction?" Zetsu quizzed Tobi. Tobi sighed.

"Only 2 Hawaiian shaved ice treats." Tobi said rather disappointed.

"And why are you only allowed to have two?" Zetsu continued quizzing.

"Because that time when I had three I got a sugar rush and ran through the park for 4 straight hours." Tobi admitted a little saddened by his Hawaiian shaved ice limit.

"That's right now let's go." Zetsu said.

….One 24 minute car ride later….

"Hidan, I have to admit…I know you like this statue and all but god it was a pain in the ass to load." Sasori told him.

"Seriously, I know I probably should have chosen something else but that seemed so appropriate." Hidan said.

"Yeah, you meant well. Of course I really don't know what's up with Kakuzu and all the freaking cups." Lola said watching from her and Sasori's car as Kakuzu fell out of the AKTSUKI van with cups all over the place.

"Sasori, do you ever wonder how we got that huge dent in the side of the van?" Hidan asked.

"Well the way I see it, first Deidara was born then 21 years later he drove this van." Hidan shook his head in agreement.

"I understand…come on we've got unloading to do." Hidan said. Let the bidding begin!!


	3. Slide Sandals and Socks

"Tobi! Tobi! No, Tobi! Get back here!" Zetsu yelled chasing after Tobi.

"Sandbox! Sandbox! Sandbox!" Tobi yelled flinging his arms in the air.

"No! No sandbox Tobi!" Zetsu yelled.

"Sandbox! Sandcastles! Shovels! Star fish! Dragons! Chocolate and plastic wrap!" Tobi yelled. Zetsu stopped chasing Tobi.

"What the hell kind of demented fucked up sandbox did you play in as a kid?" he questioned Tobi out loud but mainly Zetsu was just stating this out loud. They just HAD to have the ugly pet auction in a park didn't they?

"Alright, look there's out table….damn it! They spelled Akatsuki wrong AGAIN this year!" Kisame noticed their "Akatzuki" table.

"Kisame…those are the least of our worries…look who's raising money for ugly pets right beside us." Kakuzu noticed.

"Oh my god….quick….keep quiet. Don't tell Itachi." Kisame said. But it was much too late… Deidara gasped.

"Itachi! Our table is beside Orochimaru's table with all his ugly people that work for him, yeah, Oh my god, Itachi! Kabuto's trying something new with his hair…it does not look good, yeah! Deidara gasped again. Itachi, your little brother is wearing slide sandals with socks and Tayuya is wearing a "100% Bitch" novelty t-shirt!" Deidara was mortified and Itachi was on the verge of exploding with anger.

"I knew….that someday…I was going to have to kill that worthless little brother of mine…YOU DON'T WEAR SLIDE SANDALS WITH SOCKS! IN FACT YOU NEVER WEAR SLIDE SANDALS!!!!!! OH MY GOD! I HATE MY LIFE! I HATE MY FAMILY MEMBERS! I HATE THE FACT THAT…..DEIDARA! GO GET ME SOME WATER NOW! I NEED TO CALM DOWN!"

"Okay, okay I'm going Itachi, yeah. Come on Marisol!" Deidara grabbed Marisol and quickly took off.

"Look a squirrel!" Marisol said as they fled this scene before horrible happened.

"Alright, Itachi stop being the drama queen and help unload the stuff to the table and put the papers for the silent bids. We need to determine what the bids need to start at." Kisame used to feel sorry for Itachi…not he could care less about Itachi's antics. Itachi glared at him with red eyes. "Okay, again….stop gritting your teeth, you just had them whitened. Stop shaking you'll mess your hair…here take this box." Kisame said shoving a box into Itachi's hands.

"Alright, now on the count of three we are going to pick this thing up." Sasori said.

"It's 8 feet tall and solid marble maybe we should get Zetsu and Kisame to help. You know Deidara would be a complete waste of time and asking Dana is like asking a cardboard box.

"Hmmm…you might be right. By the way, what happened to Zetsu? He got out of the van and disappeared." Konan noticed.

"I'm sorry Zetsu, I really am." Tobi said sadly.

"Well, you should be. Now that lady over there thinks I'm some kind of crazy psychopath for attacking you in a sandbox! We have things to do Tobi, you need to be good."

"I'll be good Zetsu, I promise!" Tobi said hoping to regain Zetsu's trust.

"Deidara." Kabuto said coldly pushing up his glasses.

"Kabuto, yeah." Deidara said just as coldly folding his arms.

"It looks like you decided to go with hair extensions this summer. I've never noticed your hair that long in the front." Kabuto said challengingly.

"It's real Kabuto, unlike your Rolex which ISN'T, yeah." Deidara said. Kabuto gasped.

"How did you know my Rolex was fake?" Kabuto wanted to know.

"Rolex's are NEVER plastic, yeah. Yours is plastic." Deidara said. Kabuto narrowed his eyes at Deidara as he heard Orochimaru call to him.

"Orochimaru needs me…but I'm watching you." Kabuto said turning away from Deidara.

"Look Deidara! Do you want some of my Hawaiin shaved ice?" Marisol asked showing Deidara her blue raspberry shaved ice.

"Oooooooh shaved ice, yeah! Of course I want some of that!" Deidara told her. Who would have thought Deidara loved shaved ice so much?

"Here we go on three….one….two…three….LIFT!" Pein counted.

"Oh my god!" Lola yelled.

"Stupid…..marble…..statue….seriously why the hell….did I ever buy this thing!?" Hidan now questioned himself out loud.

"Hidan, I really hate you right now…but I won't after we put this thing down." Sasori said.

"Now, Deidara, how much should we start the bid for your cashmere throw?" Kisame asked preparing to write down a reasonable price. Deidara thought a moment as Marisol fed him a spoonful of Hawaiin shaved ice.

"Five hundred dollars, yeah." Deidara decided.

"What the hell Deidara? It's for ugly pets!? No one's going to buy this thing for $500 dollars! How about $75 dollars?" Kisame suggested.

"Kisame! This is fine cashmere! I can't possibly ask $75 dollars, yeah! I paid $475 dollars for that, yeah." Deidara argued.

"Fine, $150 dollars and nothing more. That's where we start the bid." Kisame said writing the number in." Of course Deidara pouted about this but he would have to get over it.

"Oh great, the marble statue of Jaashin, I'm so glad you got it set up here." Kisame said sarcastically looking at the huge marble figure.

"Fifty dollars Kisame. Seriously, start the bid at $50 dollars." Hidan said coming up with a reasonable price.

"You're an idiot Hidan. No one will ever want this." Kakuzu said.

"Got o hell Kakuzu! You don't know good religious statuaries when you see them!" Hidan shouted at him.

"You always think you have to be right, Hidan. You're so fucking egotistical and self righteous!" Kakuzu shouted back.

"Oh you little bitch! Seriosuly, Kakuzu! Today is the day I'm going to have to kill you! I'm going to make sure you don't use any more of those dumb ass 5 hearts or however many the hell you have! God, you piss me off so much! Seriously, I hope you get attacked by a pigeon today!" Hidan screamed at him.

"Both of you! Shut the hell up! Pein needs to park the Camaro!" Sasori split up this argument.

"Sasori, you direct me into this spot here by the statue, okay?" Pein said developing the best location for his car.

"You want to go get Hawaiian shaved ice?" Konan asked Lola.

"Sure, let me see what kind he wants." Lola said she walked over to Sasori and put her arms around him.

"What flavor Hawaiian shaved ice do you want?" She asked him.

"Anything that doesn't have orange." Sasori told her.

"Okay, me and Konan will be back in a little bit." Lola said leaving him and Pein to position the car.

"Marisol, how much are your gift certificates to your salon again?"

"$100 dollars." Marisol answered. Kisame was a little bit dumbfounded because Marisol could actually do the math.

"Oh, those will so sell Marisol, yeah." Dana said.

"I hope so! The salon is one of the best." Marisol said taking another bite of her now almost disappeared blue raspberry Hawaiian shaved ice.

"Back it up just a little, Pein!' Sasori yelled to him.

"Okay!" Pein yelled back. After a little bit of wiggling it was finally parked where it needed to be.

"Um…Kakuzu? It looks like you have close to 1000 Stryrofoam cups…now the point of a silent auction is people write down what they are willing to pay along with their name and phone number because they don't have to be here to win. Kakuzu, that means if someone bids on the cups you have to let them go Kakuzu." Kisame explained to him trying to get Kakuzu to understand that he would have to let the Styrofoam cups go.

"I'm prepared to let these go, Kisame. I understand the ugly pets need to money." Kakuzu rationalized. Kisame thought things were going pretty smoothly this morning…that was until Orochimaru approached their table…


	4. Sasori Doesn't Know Ed Hardy

"Hello Orochimaru…you're looking…like yourself today." Kisame said not really knowing what to say to him.

"Kisame, it seems you have several things for the ugly pet auction. Where did you get that Minnesota Vikings Super Bowl ring?" he asked.

"I don't know it's Zetsu's." Kisame said trying to ignore him.

"You know, Kabuto donated a poisonous concoction that destroys anything it touches." Orochimaru said.

"And why the hell would anyone want to bid on that?" Kisame asked arranging Tobi's huge box of building blocks on the table. "Stupid blocks….50 cents." Kisame said writing in the starting price.

"We also have a lava lamp on our table." Orochimaru said. Kisame sighed.

"Look, what do you want? Why did you come over here? He asked.

"Fine! Can we borrow some paper, some tape, a pen and do you have an extra table!/ We forgot all of our crap at the base because SOMEONE NOT MENTIONING ANY NAMES…SAKON was too busy fighting with Tayuya over who got to wear that STUPID FAKE TATOO to remember to put anything into our purple van!" Orochimaru said very irritated with pretty much everyone that he drug to this ugly pet thing.

"Uh…yeah here's some paper….and a pen…good luck with that other stuff you need." Whew! Thank goodness that encounter ended the way it did.

"Ooooh look Marisol!" Dana grabbed Marisol's hand and pulled her towards the street. "Do you think that's a real hobo, yeah?" Dana asked.

"I don't know. How do you think we find out?" Marisol wondered.

"Maybe we should poke him or her I don't know which it is, yeah." Dana said.

"Alright, on the count of three we poke the hobo and say hi!" Marisol decided.

"Okay, one…two…thr…" Their poking was interrupted.

"Marisol! Dana! Get away from that smelly hobo, yeah! It might have diseases like herpes, yeah!" a mortified Deidara said yanking them both away from the hobo.

"It was my money Hidan! I never told you that you could donate it to some stupid religious organization!" Kakuzu and Hidan mad managed to get into another fight.

"Oh my god! Go to hell you worthless shit! Seriously, you TOLD me I could give that money to the Mother's of Jaashin!" Hidan yelled at him.

"I never told you that! I demand that money back Hidan!" Kakuzu was not happy.

"Oh you greedy son of a bitch!" Hidan shoved him into a tree.

"That's it Hidan! I'm going to have to beat your ass into next Tuesday! Oh hello there!" Kakuzu said calmly to someone who had stopped by their table.

"Oh my god! What size is these Manolos?" the woman asked Kakuzu.

"Uh….DANA! Come here!" Kakuzu. Dana rushed over to where Kakuzu was. "This woman wants to know what size your shoes are.

"Okay, they are a 7, yeah! You would love these shoes! I only wore them once, yeah and that was indoors at a party, yeah." Dana said with sparkling eyes. Lola and Konan had returned with Hawaiin shaved ice.

"Whoa…so what did you do next, Lola?" Konan asked listening to whatever Lola was telling her.

"I did what any good prosecutor would do…I told the judge to send their ass to prison for 7 years!" Lola said tasting the Hawaiin shaved ice.

"Wow…Sasori what is it like to sleep with a woman with this much power?" Konan asked handing over the shaved ice to Pein for him to try first. Sasori thought a moment.

"You know…it works out well." Sasori said.

"Yeah, I really don't have any arguments." Lola added.

"God, Sasori's so cool." Pein said. "Konan, you did a good job on this flavor. Meanwhile, Itachi had decided it was time to go confront Sasuke about what he wore to the silent auction today.

"Deidara, I'm going over there come with me." Itachi said grabbing Deidara's arm.

"Okay Itachi, but I'm warning you Kimimaro showed up today and he's wearing WAY too much cologne, yeah." Deidara said as Itachi dragged him along.

"Wait…why the hell is Kimimaro here?" Itachi wondered.

"Well you know him, he doesn't have many friends, yeah! And he loves public parks and he has an ugly pet!" Deidara said.

"Whatever…hello…little brother." Itachi said to Sasuke not at all thrilled to see him. "I see you're wearing socks with those sandals….that sickens me you know?" Itachi said.

"Oh hi Itachi, do you have any guesses as to how much I should start the price on this Wii? I found it in Jiroubou's room." Sasuke told him. Itachi rolled his eyes.

"I am not here to give you any kind of stupid advice, okay? Why the hell are you wearing those stupid ass sandals with socks!?"

"Huh? There's nothing wrong with my…"

"Oh don't you start with that crap!" Itachi cut him off. "There is EVERYTHING wrong with EVERYTHING you are wearing!" Itachi told him.

"But I…" Itachi cut him off again.

"I mean, I can't believe YOU are my little brother. You had so much potential but no, when you woke up this morning you decided to wear socks with slide sandals and that awful purple t-shirt! God, Sasuke you're not Orochimaru! YOU DON'T HAVE TO WEAR PURPLE EVERY DAY!"

"Oh…hi Deidara." Tauya said interrupting Itachi's abuse.

"Don't talk to me, you're gross, yeah." Deidara told her.

"Tayuya, Sasuke come help us! Orochimaru got his hand in that box of jars we brought." Kidomaru shouted.

"Why the hell would they bring jars anyway?" Itachi asked Deidara.

"I don't know; why do they do any of the stupid shit they do, yeah? I mean look, Kimimaro is trying to convince that man he should bid on crochet kit Kimimaro is trying to sell, yeah." Deidara noticed.

"God, come on let's leave this is completely idiotic." Itachi said. "Oh my god! There's someone looking at my gross Ed Hardy jeans!" Itachi noticed looking over at their table.

"Now, why are there sequins on these jeans?" The man asked Sasori.

"I don't know." He answered.

"Are these supposed to be…men's jeans?" was his next question.

"I don't know." Sasori told him.

"Who is Ed Hardy?" the man continued.

"I don't know." Sasori was of no use here…it was probably a blessing that Sasori knew nothing of Ed Hardy.

"Hmmm…well why is there a skull on here?" the man asked unfolding Itachi's jeans.

"I don't know." Sasori said.

"Do you know anything about these jeans?" the man asked.

"Not really." Sasori said.

"I see, well thank you for your time." Sasori was relieved that the man walked away from the table.

"Yay! Thanks Zetsu!" Tobi was so happy with his Hawaiian shaved ice.

"Now, Tobi I want you to sit there and eat your Hawaiian shaved ice and be a good boy. I have to help with the table. Just stay out of the way Tobi." Zetsu instructed him. But it was already a lost cause…Tobi was completely infatuated with his shaved ice.


	5. Hidan's Mango Allergy?

"Do you ever wonder why Deidara never, ever makes an effort to take care of Tobi? I mean look, there he is over there rolling in the grass…and he's only had one Hawaiian shaved ice." Kisame asked Zetsu watching Tobi.

"Kisame…think about what you just said. Deidara can barely take care of himself. Let alon Tobi who requires constant supervision." Kisame said watching Tobi happily roll around.

"Look Lola! I made a sign for this today!" Marisol said very happy with her work. She had made a sign that read 'yard sale'.

"Marisol…this isn't a yard sale sweetheart." Lola said kindly to her.

"It's not? You mean it's not an ugly pet yard sale? Never mind Dana! We don't need that other sign!" Marisol called to her.

"Aww, why not, yeah?" Marisol was so disappointed.

"Lola said it's not a yard sale!" Marisol told her. Dana looked at her sign: 'Yard Sale, yeah.'

"Well, maybe we should…" Dana was interrupted by Konan.

"Oh my god! Look what I found in the trunk of the car!" Konan said showing something to Lola.

"Holy shit….it's a mix tape. Oh my god….'Mix tape 1988'! Konan, we have GOT to see what's on this thing!" Lola said. Konan and Lola were getting ready to put the tape in the car but alas, Dana had too many questions…

"Wait, wait….what's a mix tape, yeah?"

"Well, it's a tape with a lot of different songs on it." Konan explained.

"But…what's a tape?" Marisol asked.

"Oh, god…" Konan said under her breath. "See, it's a cassette tape? You know, everybody had tapes before CD's." Konan handed the tape to Dana whose brain was in complete overload.

"I don't understand this at all Marisol, yeah." Dana said holding the tape like it was an alien.

"Wow…I've so never seen one of these." Now, this probably could have amused them for hours but Konan and Lola just HAD to listen to this tape.

"Okay, okay, okay. Yes, tapes…very confusing stuff. Now, we need to go listen to this." Konan said snatching the tape back from Dana so she and Lola could get in the Camaro and listen to this. "God, Pein must have made this obviously in 1988. I was probably too busy making out with him to have really paid attention. Okay, okay here we go side A…" Konan shoved the tape into the tape deck after first taking out her beloved Duran Duran tape. They waited a few seconds…

"Hey Konan, have you seen….OH MY GOD AXEL F! MY 1988 MIX TAPE! Where did you find that Konan!?" Pein was so happy as the Axel F 'Beverly Hills Cop' theme started playing.

"When did you make this!?" Konan asked.

"In 1988!" Pein answered. Meanwhile, back at the table of stuff for the ugly pets…

"Look, you are the fourth person to ask me questions about these dumb ass jeans. I don't know ANYTHING about these. Itachi, the owner of these jeans is too busy being wrapped up in himself to answer any questions about them. All I know is this. I'm 42 I would never wear these even if you gave them to me. I don't know why itachi ever even THOUGHT about wearing these. Yes, they are sparkly, yes they have shit on them that looks like paint, yes they seem to be straight leg fit, other than that I don't know anything else. Now, if you want to ask about the laptop I can actually tell you some stuff about that.

"Do you know anything about this Super Bowl ring?" The patron asked Sasori.

"Shit why am I the only one doing this? Where's Hidan when I need him?" Sasori said to himself.

"You stupid sorry ass! Seriously, I told you three times that I wanted strawberry kiwi….STRAWBERRY KIWI KAKUZU! This is fucking strawberry mango…I'M ALLERGIC TO MANGOS YOU MORON!" Hidan screamed at Kakuzu.

"Oh my god! You are SUCH a drama queen, Hidan! You're getting worse than Itachi! I can't help it that the strawberry mango was on sale!" Kakuzu shouted back.

"I don't give a flying rat's ass what's ON SALE! I wanted strawberry kiwi. God! You seriously cannot do anything right!" Hidan was on a roll.

"You aren't even allergic to mangos Hidan! You got a stomach ache because you ate 6 mangos! No one eats that many mangos you idiot! ANYONE would get sick after eating that many mangos!" Hidan gasped.

"Oh you little bitch! Seriously, you shut the hell up! I am not dramatic! I am just a LITTLE FUCKING PISSED that you screwed the hell out of my Hawaiian shaved ice order!

"Alright, Hidan do you want to fucking trade? I'll give you my raspberry for the strawberry mango." Kakuzu said thinking he had this figured out in the best possible financial interest of himself. Hidan was boiling mad.

"IS YOUR SHAVED ICE A FUCKING STRAWBERRY KIWI!? NO! DO YOU SERISOULY THINK I WANT TO TRADE WITH YOU!? NO! NOW GET THE HELL OUT OF MY FACE! Oh hey, Sasori. Do you need some help over here?" Hidan said calmly to Sasori.

"Yes, yes Hidan….I could use some help." Sasori said a little disenchanted at the fact that Hidan had been fighting with Kakuzu this whole time over freaking shaved ice. Over in Orochimaru's world things weren't going a whole lot better.

"Jiroubou!" Sakon yelled at him.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I know I'm only hurting myself!" Jiroubou had just been discovered closet eating in the van.

"Come on man! What are you doing!? You've been doing so well on your Weight Watchers' diet! Don't blow your daily points on that bag of chips!" Sakon encouraged him. Jiroubou started to tear up.

"You're right! I was saving my bonus points for a Hawaiian shaved ice today! It's just that Orochimaru started yelling at him for moving too slowly with the ice sculpture he brought with him today. Then he called me fat!" Jiroubou was now in tears.

"Okay first of all Jiroubou….Orochimaru was insane for making us bring a ridiculous ice sculpture to this ugly pet thing. Secondly, you learned in your last meeting that Orochimaru calling you fat was a trigger for you. Lastly, what did your Weight Watchers team leader tell you was an effective strategy to avoid overeating when Orochinmaru called you fat?" Sakon asked him. Jiroubou sniffed.

"To start working out to my Zoomba workout CD." Jiroubou said.

"That's right. Now, let's put your Zoomba CD in the player and you will feel better and leaner in 15 to 20 minutes." Sakon said popping Jiroubou's workout CD into the van CD player. Thank god for friends…

"Look! Look Dana! That woman just wrote down $1,200 dollars for your bag and your shoes!" Marisol said poking Dana.

"Ooooh I'm excited! The ugly pets would be so happy with that money, yeah! I mean they could get little cute collars so they would be less ugly!" Dana said.

"Or a bag of little bows so their fur could be cute!" Marisol said.

"Hey, look is that an ice sculpture over there, yeah?" Dana asked.

"It is…who would bring an ice sculpture here?" Marisol said. "I mean, that is as stupid as that time Tobi got himself locked in the upstairs closet for 2 hours."

"Come on let's go look at it, yeah." Dana said. And so Marisol and Dana took off to see Orochimaru's stupid ice sculpture.

"This….is….the greatest…mix tape….EVER!" Konan squealed.

"Hey, what are you three doing?" Kisame asked.

"Kisame! You've got to listen to side B of this mix tape I made in 1988. God, I remember making the…OH MY GOD IT'S WHAM! KONAN REMEMBER WHEN WE WENT TO A WHAM CONCERT!?' Pein was so excited.

"Oh my god Sasori went to a Wham concert too! In 1985!" Lola said.

"Hey, I'll listen to this with you. Of course I'm more of a 70's man myself. But you know, I was already out of high school and trying to make it as a struggling insurance salesman by 1980…god Akatsuki saved my life." Kisame reminisced.

"Let's have some fun, this beat is sick! I want to take a ride on your…" Itachi punched Deidara.

"Shut up! Shut up! Do you have to sing every song to me that you hear coming from the cars that pass!?" Itachi asked.

"Well….yeah." Deidara said honestly.

"Well I don't want to listen to you! Now hand me a hair tie, it's getting hot out here and I need it off my neck." Itachi insisted. Deidara did as he was instructed and gave Itachi a hair tie.


	6. Hidan's Customer

"I can't believe you have 'we built this city' on side B! My god, if I were drunk I would probably sing a really poor karaoke version of that on the hood of this car." Konan said.

"Konan…you did that at our senior prom." Pein reminded her.

"Shit….that's right…I did…wow…I hope your mom didn't know about that." Konan said.

"No, she never knew."

"God, I hate it that Sasori has missed most of this tape. And I think some people were actually interested in seeing the inside of this car…but we were all here and so you may have lost a bid." Lola said.

"Well, I don't know. Not everyone is qualified to own a cashmere throw, yeah." Deidara said to a patron. "Just what are you going to do with this throw?"

"It's for my cat." The person said. Deidara gasped.

"I paid $500 dollars for this, yeah! And you're going to give it to your cat!? And it's probably not even a cute cat, yeah." Deidara said.

"Okay, okay Deidara, why don't you and Itachi…I don't know go anywhere but near this table." Kisame encouraged him leading Deidara by the shoulders away from his beloved throw.

"Kisame, don't let anyone bid on that throw that is gross, yeah!" Deidara demanded.

"Sure, whatever you say Deidara." Kisame said not really paying attention to him.

"Deidara, come on. Kisame says we have to go see what Orochimaru's stuff is selling for." Itachi said. "He says I'm yelling at the patrons!" Itachi said rolling his eyes.

"Itachi, you just told that man 'go to hell fat ass' because he said your jeans were gay and too small for him.

"It's not my fault that loser shopped at Big and Tall!" was Itachi's come back.

"Just leave, go check out Orochimaru's stuff." Kisame told him. "Take Deidara with you and don't come back for 15 minutes!"

"So what kind of processor does this laptop have?" Someone asked Dana. Dana had the look a drowning duck on her face.

"Marisol! Marisol come here, yeah! This lady is asking computer questions!" Dana whispered to her.

"Oh the processor….yeah. It's…um…a blender, yeah." Dana said. The woman looked at her suspiciously.

"O….k…what about the hard drive?" was her next question.

"Well, it's really really hard!" Marisol said just knowing that she was definitely helping with this situation.

"Riiiight….can you tell me something about the memory?" the woman asked getting ready to walk away.

"Uhhhh…yeah! It will remember stuff!" Dana said with sparking eyes.

"Okay, thanks for your time." The woman said leaving the table.

"Wow…that was close Dana but we did good!" Marisol said. But they weren't safe yet…

"Excuse me, what year is this Super Bowl ring?" a man asked.

"Um….last year?" Marisol told him looking at Dana shaking her head and throwing her hands up in the air.

"Okay thanks!" he said.

"Whoa….we must be really good at this, yeah." Dana said. "Come on! Let's go tell that guy about Hidan's Mother Mary statue, yeah!"

"Oh shit….where the hell did Tobi go?" Zetsu asked getting ready to panic. Tobi was not where he told him to sit 30 seconds ago.

"And that is why I refuse to ever let Dana wear those horrible novelty earrings, yeah." Deidara explained.

"It took you seven minutes to explain that, Deidara! It should never take any normal person freaking 7 minutes to explain something that idiotic and….oh my god…look…they're all wearing matching purple t-shirts now." Itachi changed the subject noticing Orochimaru and his crew wearing god awful light purple t-shirts that read "OROCHIMARU…ALL UP ON U".

"Itachi…I think I'm going to be sick, yeah." Deidara said.

"Believe me, I already am sick…what point could they possibly be trying to make!?"

"Well, now we have no choice but to ask, yeah. Oh god! Tayuya's licking the ice sculpture!" Deidara observed.

"It's so sad how she thinks she's hot when….well she's not at all." Itachi said. Back in Zetsu's panicked state….

"Oh my god…TOBI!" There was Tobi laughing and having a blast with a group of kids…god he looked odd with that stupid swirly mask running around with a bunch of kids…why didn't they think he was some kind of scary stalker?

"Butterflies! Butterflies! Butterfly net! Catch the butterfly! Let it go! Catch another one! Aaaaggghhhh! I'm stuck in the net! I'm stuck in the net! Oh no, Zetsu's going to be so mad at me! Wait! Butterfly!" Ah yes, classic Tobi running Zetsu's day one brief moment at a time.

"Excuse me, is this really a statue of Jaashin? I've been looking for one of these for my house forever!" Hidan looked up to see a dark haired girl with red highlights observing the Jaashin statue.

"Yes, that is Jasshin himself in his full marbled glory, seriously!" Hidan said proudly.

"God, you're pathetic Hidan." Kakuzu said under his breath.

"Go to hell! Go to freaking hell you son of a bitch!" Hidan screamed at him. "I'm sorry…my friend here is a worthless fuck. Did you have any questions about my Jaashin statue?

"Wow! I have a worthless fuck for a friend too! See that girl over there? She's arguing with that hot dog vendor over a penny! I mean what the hell? Who does that?" the girl told him. Hidan was a little taken aback by this.

"Oh my god…seriously, my stupid friend here argues about money ALL THE FREAKING TIME!" Hidan told her.

"It pisses me off! I can't take her in public ever because she's always OBSESSED with money! Looking for it on sidewalks, taking metal detectors to the beach, checking pop machines! God!"

"I can't tell you how much I understand what you're saying, seriously." Hidan told her.

"Oh, my name's Yunko. It's nice to meet you." Yunko said extending a hand to Hidan.

"I'm Hidan, I like your glasses." He said a little bit dreamily.

"Thanks. Oh! I have an ugly pet! That's why I'm here. See, here's her picture." Yunko showed Hidan a picture of a very ugly parrot.

"Oh wow! She's so…..ugly!" Hidan said not really knowing the appropriate way to respond to a photo of an ugly pet.

"She used to be cute…well until she got stuck in a ceiling fan…then she got ugly. Now, here I am at this ugly pet charity looking at your Jaashin statue." Yunko said. Hidan laughed.

"Seriously, you're funny." We'll leave these tow alone for now…

"That was a great mix tape. I better go help Zetsu I can see him coming this way and it appears he's carrying Tobi over his shoulder in a butterfly net. Butterflies are swarming his head. God, he hates it when that happens." Kisame said leaving Pein, Konan and Lola.

"So…beautiful do you suck everything like you do that straw?" Some pervert asked Lola who had been looking at Pein's car. Konan was getting ready to freak the hell out…but lola had this entirely under control.

"Are you dirty with anything else besides your mouth?" Lola asked.

"Oh, that's good…I…well I wasn't expecting that." The weird ass said smiling all over.

"Damn right you weren't expecting that. You also weren't expecting me to pin you right now by asking you what the hell a married man is doing hitting on a prosecuting attorney that just settled three high profile divorce cases last week. Judging by the fact that you're here in a public park on a Saturday when there are several young blonde things running around in nothing but a sports bra in pursuit of the ideal body tells me that you're already disillusioned with your second marriage because you're hitting on me in a straightforward and sleazy way. You neglected to remove your wedding band is how I know you're married. Or you know, you'll probably use that whole 'mid-life crisis' excuse. Now, I'm wondering how close I'm getting here? Am I at least in the ball park? God, judging by that look on your face I musta' hit a fuckin' home run because I could suck you right off the floor with this straw!" There was a long pause. "That's right walk away! Walk away! Oh, don't forget to take that wedding band off! That's right, walk away from Lola! Your wife will craw her sorry ass back when she needs an attorney and I'll sail your ass up the river!" the look on Konan's face right now was absolutely priceless.

"Say floor again." Konan said dreamily adoring Lola's New England dialect. Lola smiled at Konan and raised her eyebrows.

"Floor…" Lola said. Konan shook her head.

"If I were a lesbian…I would so let you have me." Konan said through gritted teeth. God what a day…


	7. Too Much Hawaiin Shaved Ice

"And so then I took the fun noodle and tied stupid Kakuzu's ass up and threw him in the pool, seriously." Hidan said laughing. Yunko laughed.

"Well one time, Suki was really pissing me off because she had us stuck in a bank line for 25 minutes so for revenge I tied her to her bed and forced her to eat pistachio pudding…" Hidan seemed confused at what Yunko had said. "Oh, Suki hates pistachio pudding." Yunko added.

"Oh wow! What a great punishment for her. Seriously, I understand how you would have felt about that situation." Hidan and Yunko were how away from the action of the silent auction eating Hawaiin shaved ice.

"So do you follow Jaashin?" Hidan asked Yunko.

"Well, I used to follow Jasshin devoutly but ever since I started work on my dual Master's Degree I haven't been a very good follower." Yunko explained.

"Seriosuly, you're working on a dual Master's? Wow! What are you studying?" Hidan was impressed.

"Environmental conservation and freshwater ecology." Yunko told him.

"That sounds interesting. You know you should really talk to my friend Lola. She's…well she's smart like that. She would understand your program a lot better than I probably could." Hidan admitted. Yunko smiled.

"It's a lot of work but I do enjoy it." She said.

"Hey, do you maybe want to go to dinner tonight? I mean seriously, if you're not busy or something." It was the bravest thing Hidan had ever done. Yunko blushed a little not really expecting this.

"Sure, sure yeah….that sounds…nice." She said all smiles.

"Great, well here let me give you…wait….shit…I don't really have a phone number because I don't have a cell phone but I'm going to give you my friend Sasori's phone number. Why don't you call him when you get in later and we'll kind of go from there." Hidan suggested.

"That sounds great. So, I'll call you later. I better go find Suki. I bet she's trying to swindle some old lady for a dime." Yunko said. Hidan smiled and waved goodbye to Yunko, at least for the time being. Once Yunko was out of sight Hidan went screaming back to their table.

"SASORIIIIIIIIIIIII!" Hidan ran back to the table. Once Yunko had left Hidan she made her way over to Orochimaru's table of stupid stuff. Looking back that was probably a stupid decision for her to go over there…

"Why hello there, I see you've come to check out our wares." Kabuto said to her.

"Um…yeah…does that t-hsirt seriously say Orochimaru…all up on you?" Yunko asked.

"Yes, yes it does. We like them….we thought it was a bit catchy." Kabuto said with complete confidence.

"Riiiight…see that guy over there?"Yunko said pointing to Hidan not too far away.

"Ah yes, Hidan…him and his religious malarkey!" Kabuto said under his breath.

"He wanted me to give you this note." Yunko handed over a note and walked away before Kabuto got all "Kabuto-ish".

"Kabuto, your t-shirts suck, seriously." Kabuto read it out loud to himself. "Oh that little good for nothing son of a bitch!" Kabuto was pissed. He would have gone after Hidan with an iron fist but Hidan was having his own fleeting moment of panic.

"Sasori! Sasori, seriously you've got to help me! YOU GOTTA HELP ME MAN!" Hidan said going medium berserk.

"Okay, okay I'll help you…but first you have to tell me what the hell is wrong." Sasori told him.

"Alright, alright….alllllright…" Hidan took a deep breath.

"God, there's Hidan again being the fucking drama queen that he is. I mean for once in your life Hidan could you just…..OH MY GOD A QUARTER! A QUARTER! A QUARTER! GET AWAY FROM THAT YOU STUPID KID! IT'S MIIIIIIINE! I SAW IT FIRST!" Well, so much for Kakuzu helping anymore with the auction right now.

"What do you mean this is too much to pay for a purse? This is cheap, yeah! Besides don't you want to help all the pets that are hideous?" Dana asked.

"Yeah….but….$1300 dollars?" the woman asked.

"Oh, it's okay I paid $2000 for it. Well, I didn't my daddy got it in Italy because he's from Italy and everything. You know, I doubt he paid $2000 dollars for it because he knows people there and not just any people, the right people, yeah." Dana explained.

"Her dad's in fashion. He always mails us the latest samples from Milan." Marisol told the woman.

"And all of this matters to me why?" she asked. Dana and Marisol gasped.

"You're kind of mean, yeah." Dana said.

"I can't believe him! I mean I really can't believe him!" Itachi was on a roll as he and Deidara went to get a Hawaiian shaved.

"I know, you'd think he would…I don't know stop doing stupid stuff with them, yeah." Deidara said.

"Hi, could I get a strawberry…no, no wait…I said WAIT!" Itachi was losing patience because he and Deidara had been trying to get Sasuke to take off the horrible shirts that Orochimaru had dressed all his 'bitches' in. Itachi huffed. "I've changed my mind…could I get the….are these Hawaiian shaved ices made with a low calorie sugar substitute? After all the stress I've been through this morning, I know it's going to make me retain weight." Itachi asked.

"No, everything's real sugar." The person handing out Hawaiian shaved ice said.

"Great, no wonder Tobi is bouncing off the walls after Zetsu said he could only have three…he's had 6." Itachi said rolling his eyes. "Alright, can I get the…tropical punch, thanks." Itachi said.

"Oh, oh, okay…okay I'm going to haaaaave….do you think I should get the grape blue raspberry combination or maybe wild watermelon colada, yeah? Oh! What about that new flavor what's that? Does it have a bitter aftertaste because I don't do well with aftertaste, yeah. Hmmm…Itachi do you think coconut lime sounds gross, yeah? That sounds kind of gross. Ew! Who would ever pick just regular orange, yeah? Now that is totally messed up! Maybe the…." The worker cut Deidara off.

"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PICK SOMETHING!"

"Well, there's just no reason to get snippy with me, yeah. It's not like I'm taking a long time here. And there's no one….oh…..Itachi there's like 10 people behind us, yeah." Deidara noticed.

"It doesn't matter Deidara look at them, they are all dressed like Lola. We are owning this line." Itachi reassured him.

"Okay, I would like the pineapple calypso, yeah!" Deidara said not really certain on what flavor he had decided upon. Meanwhile, Sasori was walking Hidan through the events that had occurred so far.

"Whoa…let's back up. You met a girl…she looked at your Jaashin statue…you're going to dinner later…you have no idea what to do?" Sasori recapped what Hidan had told him.

"YES! YES! THIS IS ALL FUCKING CORRECT SASORI! WHAT THE HELL DO I DO!?" Hidan asked shaking Sasori by the shoulders.

"Well….Hidan you just…go to dinner. This isn't a big deal really." Sasori said calmly.

"BUT SASORI! I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M SAYING THIS…BUT I'M GOING TO HAVE TO ASK ITACHI WHAT TO WEAR! MY TASTE IN CLOTHING SUCKS! WHAT THE HELL AM I GOING TO DO!?" Hidan said still panicking.

"No, no, no, no….you go through Itachi you get Deidara too…it's a package deal. They will have you in something too tight, too expensive and just way too trendy. When we get home you can have anything you want out of my closet." Sasori reassured him.

"Okay, okay…yeah…that sounds safe…yeah…you wear non-gay stuff. Nautica is very non-gay, seriously. I feel a little better." Hidan said seeming a bit alleviated.

"Dude, did I just hear you say you were going to dinner with a girl tonight?" Kisame asked.

"YES! YES YOU HEARD CORRECTLY! SERIOUSLY! I AM. NOW I'M FUCKING PANICKING! I HAVEN'T BEEN ON A DATE IN THREE YEARS." Hidan was indeed having a tough time right now…but now like Zetsu…Tobi was floundering around in a public fountain and now it was Zetsu's job to pull his sorry ass out…


	8. Sigh, Tobi's in the Street

"THE CUPS! THE CUPS! PLEASE!! WE NEED THE CUPS!" Someone from the Hawaiian shaved ice booth came screaming toward Kakuzu.

"Well, these cups come at a price." Kakuzu said calmly.

"GIVE US THE CUPS! WE'RE OUT OF CUPS! THAT MEANS NO MORE HAWAIIAN SHAVED ICE! WE DIDN'T THINK ABOUT HOW POPULAR FREE SHAVED ICE WOULD BE!" Kakuzu's eyes grew wide. Even though he and Hidan had gotten in a fight over Hawaiian shaved ice earlier he hadn't realized they were free.

"Did you say…free….." it was like saying the words on sale to Deidara. "TAKE THE CUPS! TAKE THEM! I MUST EXPERIENCE THIS FREE SERVICE!" Kakuzu threw cups all over the place before running like a maniac toward the Hawaiian shaved ice booth. But, what about Tobi and that fountain?

"Ahahahaha! Fountain! Look Zetsu! I'm in the fountain! Oh…a goldfish! A goldfish! Zetsu! Let's take it home!" A soaking wet Tobi said happily.

"Tobi! Tobi! You get out of that fountain right now! I told you three Hawaiian ices and you had six….Tobi you are NOT a good boy! I'm very disappointed in you!" Zetsu scolded him. It was just enough to break Tobi heart in two. But hey, Zetsu's a heart breaker.

"You! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid fuck! Why the hell would you leave the ice sculpture in the sun! Look at it! It's….well it's that puddle on the ground that's what it is!" Orochimaru screamed at Kabuto.

"Orochimaru! It's not my fault! Stupid Kidoumaru sidetracked me with promises of cheese!" it was Kabuto's very lame excuse. Orochimaru was furious.

"Kabuto…I hate you right now!" he said storming off.

"Lola, have we sat in the car all day long?" Konan asked Lola.

"Yes…yes Konan we have. Sasori is going to kill me for not helping him today." Lola said realizing that she and Konan had pretty much done nothing today.

"Nah, he and Pein have gotten to take charge of things and do what they do best…making the leader's wishes come true. Think about it, if Deidara and Itachi were the brains behind the operation would anything ever really get done?" Konan proved an excellent point.

"You're right." Lola said.

"Lolaaaaaaaaa! Lola! Lola! Seriously Lola! You have got to help me!" Hidan said running to her in a crisis.

"Hi Hidan, you look like you're in a complete state of panic. What's going on?" Lola asked calmly.

"Lola! You have to help me! I'm going to dinner tonight…WITH A GIRL! I'm going to wear something of Sasori's and everything but…WHAT THE HELL SHOULD I DO!?" Lola thought a moment.

"Come here, Konan will you trade him places for a minute?" Lola asked.

"Oh god, is this a role play? Please let this be one of Lola's role plays! God yes, I'll trade him places." Konan said very excitedly. Lola patted on the drivers side of the Camaro for Hidan to sit down.

"Okay, I'm going to be….wait….what's her name?" Lola asked.

"Yunko." Hidan answered.

"Alright, I'm going to be Yunko and you be Hidan." Lola told him. Hidan shook his head in agreement.

"Now, we're going to pretend we're at dinner….so, Hidan what do you do for a living?" Lola said assuming her role play.

"Well, I'm…I'm in this organization…we….sell….kitchen knives, seriously." Hidan answered.

"That's interesting! I'm a stripper I work at a club called Diamonds and Rust." Lola said.

"LOLA!" Hidan squeaked.

"Hey, you go along with this! You don't know what she's going to say!" Lola said. Hidan got back in to his role as Konan giggled from the sidelines.

"Oh well, that's um….that's…..exotic." Hidan said nervously.

"Some of my hobbies include books, performing arts and silly putty." Lola said.

"I too enjoy reading, especially Jaashin Follower monthly." Hidan said feeling slightly better about this roleplay.

"Wow! My sister subscribes to that, so you want to have sex?" Lola continued. Hidan didn't answer right away.

"So serisouly wait are you asking or is that part of the thing?" Hidan said.

"Hidan! You're not doing this right! What if that happens!? Now what? We have to start over….let's try again…" Lola said a bit discouraged. Back at the table, the auction seemed to be going very well. Everything had a bid except for Pein's Camaro. It seemed that the day's events would be drawing a close soon.

"Itachi, I can't believe someone is buying those awful jeans, yeah." Deidara said.

"You know who it is don't you?" Itachi said with fury and potential ridicule in his eyes.

"No…do you, yeah?" Deidara asked.

"Yes! It's Kabuto! I saw that loser write down the highest bid earlier today!" Itachi said. "Do you have any idea what this means Deidara?" Itachi asked. Deidar didn't answer right away.

"He doesn't have any shoes to wear with them, yeah?" Deidara finally said thinking this was an excellent answer.

"No stupid! We get to make fun of him EVERY time we see him because he's so lame!" Itachi said.

"But….you liked those jeans until Dana told you to get rid of them, yeah." Deidara said.

"Shut up! Shut up! Just shut up Deidara! We get top make Kabuto's life miserable!" Itachi said getting irritated with him.

"Marisol, will you watch Tobi and make sure he doesn't run in the street while I turn in our closing bids to the director?" Zetsu asked Marisol.

"Sure I will! I'll make sure he doesn't run in the street!" Marisol said confidently.

"Thanks, okay come on Kisame!" Zetsu called to him. Now, whatever became of that role play?

"Lola…I feel a lot better about tonight now, seriously." Hidan said. Konan was practically rolling in the grass laughing at this whole thing.

"Oh my god! This is the greatest thing ever! I hope to god I get myself in a situation someday where you have to do a role play with me!" Konan said. Zetsu and Kisame came running back toward the table.

"We won! We won! We won! Guys, we won the ugly pet auction profit with a total of $7532 dollars! We're going out to that fancy place uptown tonight!" Zetsu said excitedly.

"Oh my god! Zetsu! Do your realize Tobi has been running around in the street causing a huge traffic jam?" Sasori said holding Tobi by the collar.

"What the hell? Marisol was supposed to be watching him." Zetsu said.

"Well, now she and Dana are feeding that squirrel." Zetsu sighed.

"I should have known it probably wasn't smart to ask Marisol to watch Tobi." He said in reflection.

"You know. I'm glad this car didn't sell Konan. I got to second guessing donating it after we got here. Pein said.

"Yeah, we can't ever get rid of this car….god especially after that fucked up dialogue between Lola and Hidan." Konan said.

"Alright, come on Hidan let's get home and Sasori will help you pick something out for tonight." Lola said pulling the keys to the beloved Acura out of her pocket. It had been a successful day. But now there was a bigger task at hand: Hidan's date. How would things turn out tonight? Only time would tell.

You'll find out in the next story: Akatsuki Buys a Boat. I guess this is the first true cliff hanger I have put in a story.


End file.
